Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Gobble-Gobble, Y'all!!

It's Thanksgiving time again and I'm ready to get my Chef-Girl-R-T on!! That's right, I'm the Thanksgiving cook in my family and after a near year of feeling like I have no real importance in the work world, I'm looking forward to being the one upon whom the entire family Thanksgiving spread depends. And to get things started right, I came across this article about what the menu of the first Thanksgiving probably looked like. Did you know they probably had seal meat and lobster with their turkey? Oh no they di'int!!!
While the History might have a leg up on what the first Thanksgiving might have looked like, I think I know what the first Thanksgiving might have sounded like:
Plymouth Colonist: This is a blessed feast!! Let us go around the table and give word of all the things we are thankful for on this joyous day. I'll go first! I'm thankful for no longer being a Prisoner of her Majesty and finding solace in this ripe land of America that the Indians are so graciously sharing with us.
Wampanoag Indian: Sharing? More like raping and pillaging, ya greedy bastage.
Plymouth Colonist: What?
Wampanoag Indian: What?
Plymouth Colonist: Exactly.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

No such thing as bad publicity...?

Greetings my lovelies, I hope all yee are well. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling so well today, so I'm home lounging and taking a day off  to chillax and troll the Internet for random gossip - yaaayy!! And in my web wanderings, I came across this little tidbit about John Mayer's stance on the whole Kanye/Taylor Swift VMA debacle (AKA, "Douchbag-Gate, Part 748").
Now, I know a good portion of the world holds an extremely special hatred for 'Ye and I admit it takes a special type of fan to be able to separate all the dude's Taurett's-style displays of douchebagery from his dope beats, but seriously, it's time to get over the Taylor Swift thing. And before you egg this post and get yolk all over your screens, let me state my case further.
There's no question that 'Ye can be a douchebag, borderline douchefag, who needs to be hung up by his balls and beaten with a whip made of tampons soaked in lemon Pledge every time he acts up, but the dude does make some syck, one-of-a-kind beats. And for those who really listen to his rhymes (like moi), homie could be a motivational speaker.
Yeah he has an ego the size of Fergie's package, but that's what has made him such an infamous character in the biz. If it wasn't for someone as famous as him crapping on Taylor's VMA moment, most people over the age of 21 with decent taste in music would still have no idea who she is!!! And that's the truth, yo.
Before the 2009 VMA's, I seriously thought Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood were the same person. I had no idea she had a whole career of crappy country pop of her own going. Now that I know who she is (thanks to 'Ye), I even kinda like that song (I'm so ashamed). And I don't think I'm alone here. Dude, Janet Jackson sent her flowers the morning after the VMA's!!!! Do you really think Ms. Jackson-if-you're-nasty would have given Taylor Swift even one millisecond of a thought if 'Ye hadn't douched on her moment? That's right folks, no. Not even if Janet was taking a 45- minute crap while reading a copy of Teen People magazine with Taylor on the cover would she have given a sh*t about Ms. Swift, let alone have an actual thought process about her.
So, in closing, I'd like to say it's time for Taylor to give back. That's right girl, admit Kanye West put you on the map and send him some damn flowers! Admit that the publicity you got from the VMA debacle is the best publicity you've ever had, or will ever have again, lest you lose your virginity to a three-some with Michael Moore and Snoop Dogg on the Internet while screaming, "I'm a gay fish!!!!" But until that happens, I think it's time to 'bow in the presense of greatness' and put an end to the brutal, yet surprisingly long-lived, Kanye bashing. No one's asking you to admit Beyonce had the best video of all time (she really didn't), but it's time to be honest about what the VMA drama has done for your career: Pure butter, baby.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Big Bird turns 40!!!

Greetings my lovelies! Today I spent the morning at my parents' house where my niece and nephew are staying. I noticed them watching Sesame Street and I decided to chill for a spill and watch the show. As it turns out I was in for a treat since it happened to be the show's 40th birthday episode!! Holla!!!
And as to be expected, many festivites were on deck for celebrating the 40th bday of the street where everything's "A-OK." The biggest surprise was a guest spot by Michelle Obama who apparently bonded with Big Bird over being tall; however, this all could have been a cover for Mrs. Obama's real motive: to snag some of Big Bird's feathers and use 'em to concoct next year's big money making flu epidemic: Big Bird Flu. (AKA, the "ABC-123 Virus") ;-p

Anywho, my sister-in-law brought up a valid point while we were watching the show: Elmo sooo wasn't the stoked character in our day!!! Today he is the End-all/Be-all of childrens' characters to the Elmer's paste-eating set the world over, but in our day Elmo was a nobody compared to the OG likes of Oscar the Grouch and the proverbial homie, Snuffleupagus. Hell, even the not-so ambiguously gay Bert n' Ernie got more play than Elmo did back in the day.
It's almost enough to make ya wonder if Elmo and his handlers sold his puppet soul to the devil or some evil hitmaker like Simon Cowell or Montgomery C. Burns. I can just imagine how it went down...
Elmo: Elmo want to be cool.
Monty Burns: This can be arranged, but for a price...I want 45% of your life's earnings and the hand that's up your ass to be up mine as well.
Elmo: Elmo no want to share tickle-me-ass plug, but will do it for fame. Make everyone love Elmo!!
Monty Burns: Excellent! Smithers, fetch me my furry red hot pants and slather my chest with glitter oil - it's time to celebrate!!
Lol..I mean, if it worked for Elmo, maybe I should hit up Cowell or Burns or Lucifer and see if I can wager my entire shoe and handbag collections to get lasting mega success as a writer???
...sigh...The cynical musings of my girleecat mind have led me astray from the main purpose of this post: Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street!! May you have 40 more years of sunny days and sweet, cloudless skies!!! Woot-woot!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009


Raina does the Thriller dance!! SHAMON!!! =-p
Being laid-off blows monkeys for pesos in a Rosarito cantina's skanky old bathroom after some fat f*cker named "Lalo" just took a massive chorizo n' eggs dump in the very stall you're blowing said monkey in. That being said, I'm ready to go back to work already!!!
I've been out of publishing for nearly a whole year now and while Obama gears up to extend my unemployment benefits (thanks Mr. President, bigups to the Chi!!), I continue to reflect on life as I knew it pre-"Funemployment," lol.
In my "old" life (i.e., my life as the editor of a kick-ass luxury lifestyle magazine in the 90210), I spent soooo much time working and loving it! If I ever felt bored in the evenings or when I wanted time to myself, I would just work late. Yeah, the money I made in no way reflected all the heartfelt time and energy I put into the magazine, but it really didn't matter because I was lucky enough to finally be doing what I love.
Now, I know there are a lot of folks who are in way worse shape than me, so I'll try to keep my b*tching at a minimum (loose emphasis on "try"), but I've been out of the game for so long and have seen so much sad stuff happening in my industry (Conde Naste laid off 180 people, NY Times & LA Times rumored to sell mid-page ads, Lindsay Lohan tweeting the news, etc., etc.) that I'm starting to wonder if I even want to go back to what's left of it!
So, what's the answer? Grad school? Law school? Opening a weed clinic?? ...sigh...I know plenty of publishing professionals with grad degrees who are out of work. The industry as a whole has been drying up where jobs are concerned. With all the twitter bullsh*t and citizen journalism going on, there 's not much job security for anyone with a professional journalism background anymore, including those with graduate degrees. And law school no longer is the fall back career since thousands of law firms and solo practioners have been hit just as hard as publishing has in this economy.
I know in the wheel of life that everything is a cycle and nothing is permanent, so the job market in publishing is bound to shift for the better, but when?? And will it be too late for me once it does? Meaning, I'm thisclose to going back to school for a career change next year and I'm going to be crushed if publishing turns around and suddenly starts oozing profits sooner rather than later! But then again, the chances that traditional journalistic money making models are going to be reborn and kicking ass any year soon is as likely as Joe Jackson signing Ellen Degenerous to play a post-Thriller MJ in an ABC tv movie of the week...wait, that's kinda likely...awkward...
Anywho, speaking of MJ, I better wrap this up by saying that since my last post, I did learn the whole entire original Thriller dance!! And since I have much time to practice these days, it looks like my kitty Raina was even able to pick up some of the moves!! Check her out, above!!!